A bit of self reflection and some food.
I've been trying to analyse why I'm so fed up now, whereas in the crappier weather I was okay and I've come to the conclusion it's to do with expectation. I took early retirement last September at 55, we moved out of the city and for the first months we were up to our eyes in the reno that ate Vancouver Island. However part of that expectation was that once the reno was substantially done we had PLANS. Plans to travel. Plans to visit friends.Plans to have my best friend from the UK visit me out here. In fact more plans than you could shake the proverbial stick at and of course none of them are happening because that's just the world we are in at the moment. And I'm philosophical about it.
However what I'm not philosophical about is what we do now. Although I'd read the pre-retirement books about some people finding it difficult to adjust to life outside of work I never thought of myself as someone who defines herself by her work. unless I was defining myself by my work exhaustion - I worked in government communications for the last 12 years and media for the 20 years before that, and I was always exhausted. So here I am, wondering quite who I am now that work has stopped, but nothing else has started other than the fact of not being at work. It's odd, disconcerting even, and I'm not sure quite how to define a post-work me. I will get there. I'm a planner, and I had this retirement PLANNED! But I couldn't have planned for Covid and I'm still struggling with where my brain fits into this new world.
(I came back and reread this entry 24 hours after posting because I was worried it seemed self-indulgent and it probably is, because really, early retirement in a beautiful part of the world - talk about a first world problem! However, that still doesn't stop my brain circling the plug hole at 3 am.)
Apologies, that was a big ramble. I don't know any of you in person except Melinda, but over the last months this blog has been a safe space for people to brain dump, so I thought I would take the opportunity.
In other news, I've been enjoying some of the bounty of summer produce. We're still working our way through the broad beans from the garden. This last week there was broad bean pesto. I put a little too much parmesan in which led to me needing more olive oil and lemon, but that's not a bad thing and the end result was pretty good, considering I don't like broad beans!
Then were was broad bean and pea risotto. Yes, we have more risotto. I would say this needed more punch - if I'd had half a brain I'd have added some mint, but even so it was pretty good. This is a really crappy, blurry photo!
A friend up the road has a ridiculously sized cherry tree so I happily said I would take some off her hands and made a Clafoutis. This recipe is from my Le Creuset's French country Kitchen cook book which I've had for 30 years since I got my first piece of Le Creuset back when I got my first flat post college.
These quantities are for 6 and I 2/3'd it for the two of us, plus lots of left overs.
1/2 oz butter, 11/2lb of stoned cherries, 3oz caster sugar, 1 tbs brandy (it says optional, but really...), 8oz plain flour, pinch of salt, 3 eggs separated, 12 fl oz milk
- Put the stoned cherries in a greased gratin dish, sprinkle with 1/3 of the sugar and the brandy.
- Sift flour and salt in a bowl, add remaining sugar - make a well and add the egg yolks and a little mild. Beat yolks and milk and start to work in the flour and add the rest of the milk to make a smooth batter.
- Whisk the egg whites to soft peaks and fold into the batter and pour the batter over the cherries and dot with the butter.
- Bake at 375F for about 40 minutes.
- Enjoy with cream, ice cream, custard, or whatever takes your fancy.
Anyway, apologies for the mental ramblings - I actually feel better for articulating some of that. I hope everyone else is well and enjoying their summer in a not so confined kitchen.
I'm glad it helped to write it out (and no second thoughts - retirement is a big deal, and you're perfectly allowed to be thrown by finding that nothing has worked out as you'd planned for). It's somehow difficult to articulate frustration at a time when you know everyone is frustrated (or worse), but that doesn't make it any the less real! And you will get there, but it's impossible to make concrete, dated, secure plans at the moment, so maybe it's more about identifyng things you want to connect with, now or later, rather than setting up a new way of life right away?
ReplyDeleteAlthough, a way of life involving that clafoutis sounds damn fine to me. I've never made it - does it keep, or do you need to feed multiple people on the first day?
Thank you for this lovely reply. There’s definitely a big element of feeling guilty about articulating frustration when there are so many people going through horrendous time and I’m really not. I’m terrible at change, so it’s having the planning derailed that has thrown me because it leaves far too much time to rattle around in the darker recesses of my brain, which is never fun. Identifying connections for now and for the future is very good advice, thank you. One of the troubles of being a Virgo is that I want to make lists and then I want everything ticked off my list right now so that it’s neat and tidy! :)
DeleteClafoutis is really easy and keeps beautifully. I made it on Sunday, we had some heated up on Monday, then chopped up the rest into squares, stuck it in Tupperware and put it in the fridge. I had 5 squares left, and we’ve just had a couple cold with a cup of tea and it just like eating a kind of set custardy cake, so there’s no need to only make it when you’ve got multiple people to feed in one go. I’ve got three pieces left and I reckon it will keep in the fridge until the end of the week. It’s traditional with cherries, but really you could make it with any fruit you fancy. I think it would be good with peaches or nectarines, and also with plums.
Thinking on job is frustrating from time to time: it takes up all you times but you miss it. You’re not your job but ‘I’m a ...’ is one of the first thing you say of yourself. But it’s comfortable to have found another place like our blog for saying it aloud.
ReplyDeleteRisotto is blurry but looks good (I really like peas!).
And cherries make all better.
Thanks Francesca. It really is a case of us saying ‘I’m not my job’, but after so many years it’s how you tend to define yourself when asked, so I’ve got some mental adjustment to do and I have to realise that takes time. Having a place like this blog to say it out loud definitely helps.
DeleteThank you for the lovely reply. And yes, the risotto photo was blurry – I think I’d had a couple of glasses of wine while I was stirring! 😊 and I agree, there is nothing that can’t be made better by cherries.
Mmm that looks fabulous.
ReplyDeleteIt was pretty good. And it's just as good cold with a cup of tea - squares of fruity solid custardy cake - yum.
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ReplyDeleteI don't think retirement in normal times is easy, it's a huge change and you're dealing with that in a time where everything is changing. I 'retired' 4 years ago, had a year not working whilst recovering from an operation, had plans to do loads of things but found that it just didn't work out the way I expected. I have lots of interests and didn't think I'd miss work. But I did, I missed the mental stimulation, work colleagues, having a routine and a reason to get up in the morning. I didn't miss the stresses and frustrations but I didn't feel me. Like you I'm a planner and I was taken by surprise that my plans didn't feel right once I started to actually do the things I planned. I ended up going back to work part time and that's worked for me, in the 3 yrs since going back to work I've learnt to slow down and not feel guilty about doing things I enjoy rather than work or housework. It might take time for you to work out how your retirement plans need to change but you might have found they changed any way as time progressed like I did. I'm not advocating going back to work, just saying that sometimes our plans need to change for lots of reasons and it's understandable to feel fed up and frustrated in these far from normal times. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda, thank you for such a lovely reply. Yes, while I don’t miss the madness of work, I do miss the sociability of things, feeling competent and being the person people come to because I’m the one who ‘knows things’. I have thought about hanging out my shingle for part-time or freelance work. It’s really tempting, but I’m being wary at the moment since I don’t want to rush into anything given how abnormal things are, and the worry of being sucked back in before I’ve had a chance to work out if I enjoy being out (in normal circumstances).
DeleteI think you are right – plans need to be flexible enough for change, either because they have to, or because all of a sudden taking a left hand turn instead of the right hand turn we’d planned seems like a better idea. My main problem is that I hate change!
Thank you again for reading my ramblings and taking the time to give such a thoughtful and personal reply. It all helps to give some perspective on things. Take care yourself.